January 30-2014

i was writing a letter to you, when emails were coming in and one of them has me in shock.

you dont know this guy, i do, and im not gonna lie, hes never been one of my favorite ppl to have to deal with. he is set in his ways, and a chauvinist, and a sexist.
his names Steve.

anyay a little background just so you can understand why i feel the way i feel about him.

when we moved here to oklahoma, craig had already looked for a train club to be a member of, and found OKNRAIL as the club he chose to join, has his gauge train (N scale) to play and do stuff with, so we expected to join and things would run the same ofr very similar to his old club (AMROC) in columbia SC...

Steve was the predident of the oklahoma club at the time we joined, everything was fine. all was good.
and we noticed when wed go in on saturdays wed often be babysitting the trainclub layout foir the entire day, from open (9am) to close(9pm) with not a whole lot of other ppl there to interact with other than train club ppl, on occassion.

and we still did it even tho we felt we were bring used and abused, because craig liked the hobby and i wanted him to be happy doing something he loved.

well, one day his mother was coming into oklahoma from NC, and we had told the group, we wernt gonna be able to man the layout because we have family coming in from out of town.
and she (craigs mom) asked if she could go see this layout she had hear raig talk about, and see the club,. i got it, shes his mom, wanted to share in something he likes and enjoys .

so we stop by, for a few minutes. and i walk up to our president while craigs showing everything off to his mother, and steve, yells at me "i thought you two couldnt come intoday!" insinuating that because we showed up, even tho we have company we could have babysat the layout, forget company, trains are far more important! (NOT!)

so, i had to snip back, with just as much force..."we cant, my motrher in law, craigs mother wanted to come by and see the clubs layout. well be gone shortly."

i let that go, but another thiung happnened.

at a meeting after the passing of one of my favorite ppl in the club had occured, we were asking who we had to speak with about something the deceased individual had wanted us to have we were shcedued to go and get, and he passed away in the interm of us getitng it. so steve tells us to speak to another emmber, so we approach this member, and i sat that steve had told us to spak to him about this, upon hearing his name, steve joins the conversation.

as im still speaking...he interjects and says: "this is about the time i tune her out and ignore her" and he chuckles. he thought it was funny..i did not.
i was fuming. i felt embarrassed and  unappreciated and i was over him, completely.

told craig as wel left id never come back...not as long as he was a member of this club.

well we didnt attend for a long time, and another member came on board and became the president and askedus to the mall in private to talk to us about coming back.
i explained my position with steve, and reittierated i wasnt goinna come back because he was there.

but eventually, because craig was asked to be the web page developer we came back, steve was still the president.

at one point as time passed us by, i noticed steves face was  very thin, and asked about his conditon, and was told he wasnt easting because ehe didnt have the funds to buy anything.
and i had an overwhelming sensation to buy him staples of food, thing that would fill his belly.
so we did, spent 50.00 on him, bought rice, pasta, soup, potatoes, beans, even got his dog dog food. had allot of bags with pleanty of food for him, and he took it, graciously. and i saw him start to fill out..

not allot happened between us since that time.

no one really likes him...we all just avoid him.

we had our last meeting (we have a club meeting every 2nd thursday) at nthe start of the month. he was there, seemed fine, altho i saw he looked thin again, but i let it pass, and neer asked him if he was ok. im not sure we could have helpped anyway. altho last time we were on unemplyment when we did what we did, were just under a ton of debt right now...but i dont know.

so while i was writing you a letter for today, when i was done i checked my email, and found a letter from a member telling he club this man has passed away. and i am lirerally in shock.
not for any other reason other than i felt like a ton of bricks fell on me..and a slice of real life  was shown to me..

and immediatly i thought of you..

why am i telling you all this? FOR THIS:

sandy, i worry every day were apart that God will call you, or me back home before i can see you face to face again to tell you everything thats on my heart for you.

i live with the guilt of walking way from you, every single day. and i NEED to say to you face to face i AM SO SORRY I DID THAT. i have no idea id my appology will mean anything, i can only hope it does, because if you die, or i doie, i have lost my chance.

in that case, im saying it here, and it may be said over and over and over again, because it haunts me, sandy. my actions haunt me.

i should have never let you go, and i did.
i have no excuse but anger to explain why i did it. and anger isnt enough. 

i cant take the past back...all i can do is try to make your future better.
and i am limited. i can guide you. youll have to follow.

moreover than anything...

sandy, death is final. its done, over, finished, no take backs...

and if you left this planet before i was able to tell you , looking at you...how much you mean to me, and how much i love you, ill have to live with THAT as well for the rest of my life, and i dont know if i could, to be honest. because the weight of my guilt is enough, i dont want to add to it.

sandy, i love you more than you will ever know and comprehend.
in the time we were separated (because of me) i never for one day didnt think about you. you were there.
always there, and at times it hurt me, because i was angry, but more than that it showed me how deep you were embedded in my heart, which eventually found the place to forgive you and move on and try to repair the damage.

if i never get to say it in person, sandy i am sorry. for everything i did.  sorry for being a louse for a BEST friend, what kind of BEST friend does what i did? sorry for not letting go of my anger. sorry for not being there when you needed me..the most. sorry for turning my back. sorry for  not sharing your life, and allowing myself to be denied of 3 of your 5 kids. sorry for not being there when husbands were mean, and too rough, and shallow, and not being there to tell you how very speaical and valuable you really are.

because sandy, you are valueable. and special, to me anyway.
and i cant make you see it if you dont want too, but you are so special to God, he has a special plan set side just for you..and your worthy of it, you just have to believe you are and then have the faith to reach for it.

9 months cant pass soon enough for me, so i can hug you, and cry, and purge myself of this guilt. spend time with you, reflecting, remembering, laughing, rebuilding what we lost.

besides my husband & my son, your hat i cnsider my ONLY family.
sure i have an aunt, but we rarely talk, even tho were on facebook, and she can talk to me and i can talk to her, we just..dont.
i love her, and thats the truth, i love her kids, her grands, and even her great grands, but we just arnt that close.
to be honest you and i have known each other longer than she and i have, so our bond (yours and mine) is far deeper than hers and mine, sadly.
but thats how it goes.
life is like that.
just because we are blood doesnt mean we are close.

YOUR my family, and i hold you as close to me as i hold my son.

if i die, before you ever hear those words form me, i said them here, and for that i am also sorry.

know this tho, that i am near you, around you, near by. watching you.
maybe you can feel me, maybe you cant, but im there. always will be.

i love you sandy.

this came across my facebook freed, from a mother to her daughter, both i know. while the words she were saying were for her daughter, as i read this, i thought of you.

i think of you so very much, almost as much as i do my son.

sandy, i want YOu to make these words a pattern in YOUR life, take one number, work on it for a week, all i ask, and by the ned of a year, i beleive, with hard work, and beliefe in yourself, youll have a change of person..

i want YOu to see the power YOU have inside YOURSELF, that *I* KNOW YOU HAVE!
start here:

67 Things I Wish I Had Known At 18

1. Boys will break your heart. Let them. Learn from it.   *dont we know this to be the truth? i can remember hanging on to the thread and hope, fred would call, or come by, all the while i was seeking myself in him. BE ENOUGH FOR YOURSELF! be enough for your own happiness, when YOU want, YOU go and get. NO ONE should hold the power to your moving forward, or your heart, unless they completely love you in return. or have the power to control your emotions. YOU hold that! NEVER EVER FORGET THAT!.

2. It’s so easy to become jaded, but don’t let it happen to you. Fight it. *oh, how easy it is to take lifes pitfalls and make them the catalyst for hatred, and animosity. DONT ALLOW IT! find in each trial, your strength, and then glory in that momnet, telling yourself over and over and over again, your a warrior, and a HAVE COMPLETE CONTROL..because you ARE and DO! make the hurt, beautiful! make the Pain, glorious..make the bad, so awesome others will want to know the secret to WHY your so happy...why? because you DIDNT allow the pain to make you bitter! 

3. Stand firm in your beliefs. *it doesnt matter what they are. STAND IN THEM! if you have a conviction towards anything, you have to have the strength & the courage to stand by it. ppl wont alwys agree, but they will know your stance on anything when you make sure you let them know your position on whatever it is. arguments can ONLY occur IF you allow them to be flamed. remember, you DO NOT HAVE to accept the views of others or absorb the thinking they want to impose upon you.

4. Love yourself. Sometimes you’re all you have. *one of the main subjects in life, we all have to learn. you HAVE to love yourself BEFORE you can adequately love anyone else. SELF LOVE WILL BRING TRUE LOVE. simply because your value of yourself will be enough to keep you from falling into traps set by men (and women) who dont care about you and your value, because they themselves dont love themselves. LOVE YOU and YOULL LOVE OTHERS!  its a natural pattern.

5. Cherish the little things. *part of the reason i write this blog for you..is because its a small thing to me, that may be a HUGE thing to you in the future. theres mall things in everything, everyday, all day...cherish them. they will be the very things you cling to later.

6. Order pizza at 3am on a Tuesday. It won’t kill you. *sure wont, nuff said on this.

7. It’s okay to laugh at yourself. Embrace the imperfections. * part of LOVING YOURSELF, is loving EVERYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF, even the things that seem difficult. ACCEPT it all...its ALL you have, and..its what makes YOU...YOU!

8. You are the rule, not the exception. Life will be so much easier if you accept this now. *exactly...what this means is, your so unique you set the trends. BE THE TREND. be the inspiration, the idea, the desire, the thing that makes others want to be like you..and they will find themselves in seeking your divine nature.

9. Make mistakes. If you learn from them, they won’t be in vain. * follows #7. Review #7 for what THIS one makes so much sense. just make sure your learning while your imperfections make you make mistakes.

10. He’s lying, there is no fish tank. Go anyway.

11. Classes can be retaken. Life cannot. *you get one shot at every single day of your life, make them ALL matter. classes, are just  scheduled, and itemized, graded smaller journeys, but life..thats the adventure, take it!

12. Sometimes it’s better to ask for forgiveness than for permission. * ask forgiveness. it shows your humble, and able to kneel. ppl respect ppl who can be humble. humbleness, makes for compassion.

13. The world is full of cynics – don’t become one. *the world is a hard place. dont let it effect the way you become. its all to easy to take what your given and dislike and use that energy, but that energy is too easy to use, take what happens and turn it towards goodness. THATS THE TRUE POWER.

14. Stop calling him. Stop texting him. If he wanted you, he’d be there. *truth. dont drowned him in inquiry. let him/her breath. keeping tabs, looks desperate, and only makes it seem as if you dont trust. learn to trust. trust yourself, trust others.

15. Apologize when you’re wrong. Just suck up your pride and do it. *sometimes even when your not in the wrong. it as well, looks humble, and that shows compassion, and you garner respect for doing it.

16. Bellybutton piercings are a bad idea. As are tattoos. *bellybutton piercings are simply attention getters for the wrong thing, tattoos are graffiti on your skin, your temple, the perfection God designed you as. no one needs to advertize they are unique. we ALL know we are. but INNER beauty is what shows the most to everyone (even if they refuse to acknowledge it) want to have a tattoo? tattoo something in your heart so it NEVER EVER changes, and is a part of who you are for the rest of your life. a motto, a slogan, a thought, a word. an image.whatever it is, make sure it makes YOU a better person.

17. No one is perfect. Stop being so hard on yourself.  *Not one single human on this planet will ever be perfect. why would you expect to be perfect either? what the world wants isnt what may be best, dont  meet the hype they present to make yourself seem better. want to fit in? be unique. ppl appreciate honesty of the self over faking it over the world.

18. Hug your friends. Cherish them. Hold them tight. *Touch. its undeniable, and has such a powerful force. never lose an opportunity to touch. the last day you did it, before you leave, or they leave, thats the memory youll have. that touch, that hug, that moment. cherish it.

19. Laugh until you cry. Cry until you laugh. *one so much eaiser to do than the other. but the other isnt impossible. its accepting and letting go that is the bridge that allows you to cross over and cry until you laugh. we should all welcome the cleansing effects of crying. and the healing effects of laughter.

20. Step outside your comfort zone. * it may seem to everyone, including yourself that i am comfortable being quirky, and odd. when in fact each time, i step on the precipice of doubt, and take a huge leap of faith that what i do with me will be accepted..more over by myself than anyone else. STEP OUT OF THE BOX...growing is hard, but so important to self esteem.

21. Order a glass of water with every drink. It’s not lame. It’s smart. *should read, DRINK A GLASS OF WATER WITH EVERY DRINK. its healthy, its pure, its cleansing, and its essential to keep you alive.

22. A bad hair day really won’t kill you. * bad hair days come and go, and we raise and shine to a  new day every morning. what one looks like doesnt dictate the day, your attitude does. hate your look, youll hate your day, accept that your imperfect, and imperfection happens, and laugh it all off...and your day will be ok.

23. Dancing on tables should be reserved for special occasions, like birthdays and Thursday nights. *i wouldnt recommend dancing on tables period, but, thats not the gist of this statement. its about being free, and expressing, when you feel the time is right, dont live with regret, get on that table and just..do it. you may feel like a complete dork before, and a stupid idiot after wards, but in the end youll be glad you took that chance to do it. wahatever the result and outcome.

24. Don’t dumb yourself down for a boy. *your yourself, not something else. no need to chnge who you are to make him like you. be you.

25. Ignorance is not bliss. Study. Work hard. *life is hard, school is hard, together its a hard world we have to adjust to and move around in, but its worth it to do it to the end, taking no shortcuts. youll appreciate he efforts and rewards for going through it hard and whole.

26. Life is hard. Accept this and move on. *life will ALWAYS be hard, nothing has ever been written to say it wouldnt be. learn to understand that in life you have mountains to climb, and at the end of every climb,  is a blessing. also understand that right behind every blessing your faces with a  mountain. just..keep climbing.

27. Don’t sweat the small stuff, but do sweat at the gym. Your health is your everything. *while i dont subscribe to this personally, myself, it is truth. your health keeps you here, and around those who love you and those you love in return.

28. Tell your parents you love them every chance you get. *or tell those you love you love them every chance you get...never miss a chance. ever. you may regret it.

29. Stop caring so much about what everyone else thinks. *no ones opinion matters as much as yours does. dont like it. change it. cause YOU have the power. while others only wish they did.

30. Forgive. Life is too short to be angry. *forgive instead of being angry. makes life easier, and youll find, you care about the ones you were angered by, with a purity in your heart, you didnt know even existed.

 31. You are destined to be more than just someone’s wife. Act like it. *LOVE THIS ONE! because its so true. you are so much more valuable than being a wife, your a mother...a friend, a sister, an employee, a million other things. go find your destiny. dont hang it on anyone. be your own boss!

32. People will hurt you. Don’t stoop to their level. *its a fact of life, ppl will hurt you, some intentionally, most dont even know they did. revenge is a wasted idea, and it does NOTHING but fuel a fire...dont retaliate with like minded thinking, and emotion, be bigger, be better. be..happy.

33. Read a newspaper. *at least keep aware, and when your done with it, turn to the comics to laugh, because laughing is good for the sole.

34. Sometimes the only person that you can rely on is yourself. *and this is a fact for many many many ppl. make sure you trust yourself so you can then rely on yourself. know your grounded, and postion on everything. when the world rocks you to and fro, youll at least be standing while everyone else topples.

35. It’s okay if your thighs touch and your tummy isn’t perfectly toned. You’re still beautiful. *YES, YES YOU ARE! learn to see it in yourself! not rely on seeing it through someone elses eyes.

36. Don’t let your happiness depend on another person.  HAPPINESS IS ALL YOURS!! YOU GAUGES WHAT IT IS AND HOW MUCH! WANT IT? THEN MAKE IT!

37. Push yourself. You’d be amazed at what you’re capable of. *never stop shirt, give enough, then just a bit more, trust yourself. you can do it.

38. Smile through the tears. *but make sure you let ppl see you have emotions, both show the tears, and show the laughter. makes you more real. ppl respect honesty. the statement means make sure your still seeing the beauty in the pain, and making sure you let the beauty reign over the pain. not letting the pain take over the beauty.

39. Don’t slut shame. Girls have it hard enough – don’t turn on one another. *BE THE CHANGE! CHANGE STARTS WITH YOU! see it happening, be the support, the encourager, the shoulder, the ear. we have enough to deal with, why noit learn to love each other instead of disliking each other because of something petty.

40. It’s okay to ask for help. ASK! dont be afraid, dont be ashamed.ASK! youd be surprised at how many ppl will come to the call.

41. He’ll never change. Let him go. *if he isnt making YOU a better person, hes dragging you down. if hes dragging you down, cut him loose, let him go. you can do better. and you deserve better.

42. Trust your instincts. *you have them for a reason. trust them. and learn to trust yourself.

43. Worrying causes wrinkles and Botox is expensive. Calm down. *why worry? let go and let God. turn it over to a higher power, and let that entity deal with it. it almost always works out for the best anyway.

44. Take pictures. Lots and lots of pictures. * when you cant remember , pictures can tell you. i make it a policy to take pics for almost everything. my reason? because one day im afraid i wont remember, and i want to be able to remember. so i take pics. to remember.

45. Love with everything you have. *Love completely. Love fully, Love hard. Love honest. Love true.

46. Put down your phone and look around. Life is happening. *dont be so involved in technology that you let life happen and miss it, stop. smell the roses, you might find they smell pretty sweet.

47. Stand up for yourself. *often times, your the only one who will. so remember, make sure you love yourself, have a value and worth to yourself, have a conviction and stand, and then do it. stand up for YOU! cause YOUR SO WORTH IT!

48. Confidence is everything. *and it shows. dont have much? start small..build it. no one was born with it sll, we all have to develop it. but it comes with self love, and positive attitude. make sure you have those.

49. Wash your makeup off at night. Seriously. Do it.

50. There are bad people in this world. Don’t be one of them. *dont allow lifes hardships to make you bitter, and then spill that negativity onto others, be the one that shares bright, happiness, love and peace. ppl will CRAVE to be near you. youll be a force to be reconed with, not someone ppl want to avoid.

51. Be honest with yourself. *with EVERYTHING. be honest with others WITH EVERYTHING.

52. Be honest with others. *follow #51

53. You never need that last shot of vodka, but have it anyway. *doesnt mean so much to make sure you actually drink, it means more to allow yourself to indulge, because while you may not need it, you deserve it, so have that one more slice of cake, or scoop of ice cream, or last little debbie cake.

54. There is a man out there who will not make you cry. Wait for him. *because NOT crying over pain is so worth it, hell make you smile more than cry, and youll recognize the difference, be ready for him, let the other one go to be able to be invited by the new one.

55. Don’t take yourself too seriously. *laugh at yourself, and laugh often. 

56. Your success will not be handed to you. Work for it. *OH THIS ONES ANOTHER FAVORITE!! so true, want it? work hard for it, dont allow it to be handed to you. youll appreciate the effort and the reward so much more when its your sweat and blood and tears youve invested. dont use a system, dont abuse a system. work for everything you have,

57. Don’t waste money on expensive mascaras. Great Lash by Maybelline will always be the best. *more about wasting money on name brand when you can do just as good with any other brand, because anything that has any amount in it, will need to be repurchased. you can get MORE for less. and youll appreciate the savings when you need that last dime.

58. Give back. *or..Pay It Forward. when you have been given something, find something to give. it will make another person happy, even if they never have the chance to meet you. it will make a difference to them.

59. He does not define your self-worth. Stop letting him. *you ARE valuable before him, during him, and more so after, because you will have learned that he isnt the end to everything that exists. YOU are. you want something..then make it a goal to get it, dont settle for less simply because it looks like thats all youll ever get. REACH!

60. Life is uncertain. Tomorrow is not guaranteed; don’t take it for granted. *Live today like your dying tomorrow, experience EVERYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES! and dont let a single person step in the way...my personal quote: DONT LET LIFE STEP ON THE WAY OF YOUR DREAMS, LET YOUR DREAMS STEP IN THE WAY OF YOUR LIFE.

61. Your faith in everything you know will be tested. Push forward. *EVERYTHING..means....EVERYTHING..thats why having a stance, being grounded, and knowing who you are makes the biggest difference. because when you are tested, and you will be...youll know how to fight the battle and survive. keep pushing.

62. Be carefree, not careless. *CARELESS & CAREFREE  NOT the SAME thing. be careful which one you use, careless, will be made of mistakes most of the time, carefree, is living with out worry, and not caring what others think.

63. It’s okay to cry. *Do it. Dont be afraid. allow yourself to clan its self out. crying takes impurities out of the body, toxins out of body, the soul gets a reprieve from allot of things by..crying.

64. You will fall, both literally and figuratively. Get back up. * theres no growth in sitting in the spot we fall in, only in the attempt to get back up and move forward. get back up. and watch growth.

65. Tequila is a bad idea, as is getting back together with an ex. *again,  more not about the alcohol reference...as much as it is about making a mistake.  if you left him, theres a reason, remember the reason and make sure you dont repeat the mistake.

66. Fad diets never work.

67. Be gracious in all that you do. *be gracious in all anyone does, and in all things, be thankful, even for the hardships, and the trials, without them. we dont grow.